Inner World Tour | I don't even know how to write this one

(downer alert…today was one of the worst of my life.  If you are looking for a pick me up best skip this post).

Last night I stayed up later than usual because I was diving deep into a new layer of my painting.

It is the first time that I have painted without a clear idea of what I am painting and lots of visual references.  This is a method where you just ask for elements to come forth.  Last night the  goddess came in…partially formed but interesting.  I mixed up a normal skin tone for her but then she insisted that she was blue.  So blue she was.  It is a very different sort of feel doing it this way.  I feel like I am bringing up all of the women I have ever photographed and done makeup on as visual cues for part of this.  I must be because the image of her just flew out.  It is still in need of deep refining but there it is for today.

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I got up this morning around 9 because I had no clients.  I went for a walk added one minute to my return timer.  Good girl.  It is the last official day of my holiday so I am a wee bit concerned if I am going to have the bandwidth to keep up with all of the good stuff I am currently doing.   But hopefully the early mornings will sort it.

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Did my chakra dance.   Sacral Chakra.  Probably my most blocked one if you go by the tightness and chronic pain in my lower back and tightness in my hips…not to mention being raised with a weird mix of Deep South Catholic body shame that I have spent years unravelling…lets just say I probably have some chakral tweaking to do.  That and when I dance this one I am usually off with the fairies thinking about heaps of other things…ie checking out of my body…the whole floating head thing.   My body keeps moving doing its own thing but I am often a million miles away.  It is a judgement free zone though.  Just one of complete curiosity.

IMG_9675[1]The drawing was of an image I saw in the dance of me floating in water but my body had dissolved and all that was left was my energetic field…kind of the real me.   Apparently even my energetic field has big boobs.

Now comes the not so good part.

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I log on to my computer to write this blog and see that there is a voice message from my father on Skype.  I am in New Zealand.  He is alone in San Francisco and we have just discovered he has pancreatic cancer that has spread to his liver.  Tomorrow we are expected to hear whether it is indeed terminal.   But at 7am he left a message deep in his cups.  The message was him telling me that I shouldn’t come and see him that he would send his ashes to me so that I could hire a helicopter and sprinkle them.  He tells me between boughts of coughing and retching how much he deeply loves me and what a beautiful wonderful woman I am and how proud he is.  He then tells me that the pain is horrible and that he has no intention of carrying on like this and he will end his life.   This is about 9 minutes into the message and then he has another coughing fit and then the message ends because it went too long.   I immediately try to call him.  No answer.   Skype no answer.  I call the village he lives in and the person at the front desk barely speaks English and when between my sobs I try to explain what has happened he directs my call to an answering machine.   So  I call the police.   They go to his place for me.  Because I am in New Zealand I am told to call back in about 30 minutes.  The longest 30 minutes of my life.   I call back and they tell me that they got ahold of him and he was alive.   Deep breaths.   Okay.  But he is in heaps of pain.  I immediately try all of the numbers I have for him.  No answer.  It is now 938pm.  I still haven’t spoken to him after trying to reach him all day.  I called the village back and the person said he was too busy to go see my dad and then put the phone down on me.

I can’t just go and buy a ticket to go see him because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

I am at a complete loss.

My response.  To accidentally forget my osteopath appointment and go shopping for health food.

I coudn’t do anything and sitting in the house was driving me nuts as I was constantly trying to call him.  I figure he might be sleeping and I should go and then call him again several hours later so I went and got some weird ingredients to make some of the dishes in my new wholefoods cookbook.  Sacral chakra…sensual things.  Comfort food…but a healthy version.  I was so upset though I wasn’t even hungry.  I think sometimes just gathering supplies makes me feel better.

So I still don’t know what the fark the problem is.   Is he planning on ending his pain without me being able to even tell him how much I love him?  I’m going to go now and try and call him again.