I have spent the last 40 years or so with what I affectionately refer to as a floating head. Completely disconnected from my body and completely.. well.. checked out. I think too much and am not a big fan of feeling too much. Probably because I do. I realized that most of the women that come to my studio are in a similar boat so a few years ago I decided to do something about it and start checking back into this body of mine. It has been a slow process but one of the highlights was getting the above photo taken. This was a veritable miracle for me because I was raised a repressed Catholic. Was terrified of being cast into hell for discovering my clitoris. I was a virgin until I was 19 and married the first guy I shagged. (footnote…this brilliantly conceived matrimony lasted a grand total of 6 months). So lets just be honest and say that I have had issues around my sacral chakra which is all about feeling and sensuality.
After that marriage ended I discovered my inner tramp and had your typical western woman 20 year old sowing of oats. Nothing earth shattering except one guy… in band camp. Just kidding, but there was this one guy in the Navy who rocked my world for a while…until he mentioned he had a fiance…he was beginning to feel guilty about…really?
I married again early…junior year at university. That lasted for 13 years. Then I had the wonderful experience of being in my late thirties and having to revisit the world of dating. That was a complete and utter mine/mind field. I was overweight, licking my wounds, and dating in New Zealand is NOTHING like America. Guys here go to bars and wait until they are drunk enough to gather courage and then see who is left to take home for the night. If the shag was good then they will probably stay with the person for a while. A bit of a generalization but not too much. Kiwi guys are notoriously shy. I am even shyer. So even when I joined forces with my BEAUTIFUL and 12 years my junior sister, we struggled to “pull” even a decent conversation from the Kiwi lads. I worked in a delivery suite helping engorged women to breastfeed at the time. So lets just say that my environmental romantic prospects were not readily available as new dad’s just were not my ethical cup of tea. After several disastrous online dating attempts, I was about ready to join a nunnery.
So here I am in my early forties and I would say that this sacral chakra needs some attention. I never really made 100% friends with it. I remember watching the movie Vicky Christina Barcelona and feeling I would so love to be like the guy. Just completely relaxed in my own sensuality and not a tangled up repressed recovering Catholic.
So baby steps. The fact that I am even writing some of this is freaking me out a bit. So baby steps it is. As it turns out I ended up giving that online dating thing one final crack before I shaved my head to join a zen nunnery (by that point my polytheism had kicked in) and the end result was my beautiful partner Craig.
We have been together for the past 4 years. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know and despite the fact that he now looks a bit like Jesus, he is more than willing to join me exercising my sacral chakra …so it is only myself that is in the way.
So here I go removing block after block. It feels like I have a psychic chastity belt on sometimes… So that is what this whole project is about. Unraveling the blocks.
Here is the funny thing though. The body love stuff is there. I am happy in my skin now (After about 30 years that ranged from loathing to mild distrust). I now confidently love and accept my beautiful body with all of its lumps and occasional aches. It is a brilliant vessel I am lucky to have. But I think really truly being tantricly present in your body is next level stuff. To not run from uncomfortable emotions but to sit there with them and let them bubble to the surface and be examined. I think that when challenging stuff happens to you you learn to shut down but that can also cause you to shut down from any extreme emotion, even extreme pleasure.
So for this month I am in the process of really reexamining anything that has had me dull my senses. Part of it I know is tied to the culture I was raised in. The over-sexualization before I was ready. The developing faster physically than I did emotionally. The oppression of the wild feminine by my catholic deep south upbringing. Well maybe I don’t feel like being so decent any more. Maybe I feel like…well feeling. Being 100 percent present and luscious.
So my challenge to myself and you is:
- To not dodge any emotion that comes up this month…but to be present and to feel deeply each one that comes and then let it go just like a thought when you are meditating.
- To try something pleasurable that pushes your boundaries of what is in your comfortable and safe zone.
- Eat peeled grapes naked because you can.