The Grumpy Art Crone vs the Polite Southern BelleHow to own your shadow sides when you feel like an asshole.

The Grumpy Art Crone vs the Polite Southern BelleHow to own your shadow sides when you feel like an asshole.

 

Sacral chakra is about understanding your subconscious.  It is about being present for the harder emotions. – Today’s featured emotion is “GUILT”

My sister and niece are down visiting after I experienced a very people heavy Christmas.  Did I mention I am an introvert.

The truth is I am peopled out.

I love my sister.  I love my niece.  I am losing my nut.  It isn’t them.  It is the fact that I have not had a break from humanity and I just want to write and paint and be left alone.  I thought that the day and a bit break I had after Christmas would be enough before they arrived.  I was wrong.  I hated that this morning that I couldn’t just relax and be present.  I did yoga with Harper.  I loved it, it was fun, it was play.  But lord I struggled to get there.  My kids are grown now.  I don’t have that demand for attention that I used to handle and that my sister handles every day.  God bless her she is a champion and I feel like a DICK!

I just want to run away and suck my thumb.  So how do I resolve these waring emotions?  I don’t know but I think the answer lies in owning them all.  I need time alone.  My sister has lovingly given it to me by taking Harper to the mall and the pool.  Hopefully when they return I will be fit for human consumption again and my guilt and shame of not being the perfect aunty will have resolved a bit.  I want to be the warm welcoming fun playful aunty but I feel like an old grumpy crone that just wants to throw up a sign warning everyone to FarK OFF I’m creating.

So how to I cope with the less than perfect days.  I do what I am capable.  Some times I lose my nut.  Then I find it…loosely.  Today is one of those days.

Writing about it here is what I have discovered…

There was actually a war today between two very strong parts of my personality.  My inner art crone who has been pushed down and not allowed to express her self completely for years who was meeting my polite but thinly remaining southern woman.     The art crone is saying very clearly…”Fuck this.  I want to paint.  You are getting longer in the tooth and there are not that many days left for you lets get this stuff done.  How many summers do you have left?  Hunh?   Your days of entertaining kids are done…you have work to do…get painting!”

She was met squarely by the too good mother/southern woman / peace maker / perfect hostess who usually wins control of my outward responses…this part of my brain that was saying ” Oh no…we can’t be rude.  She is only down for a few days.  Make nice, have fun, show them a wonderful time. You adore them.  How could you be anything but wonderful to them.  You don’t want them to not want to come and visit again do you? ”

Here is the problem.  The good mother/southern woman / peace maker / perfect hostess is almost used up because of Christmas…she is thin.  The Babayaga Creative Crone has been in hibernation has just set up her art station and will not bare interruption…and the constant interruption of small children…  I can understand why in the stories of old Babayaga would eat children who wandered into her path.  I get it now.  “NO!!!!! “yells the good mother.

But both are my truths.

Such is life of a 44 year old artist introvert aunty who has been peopled out over many months and needs to recharge her charm.

So here it is this is my truth for now… I am happily moving into my crone years.  The kids are leaving home and my art whiskers are growing right out of my chin as the white streak grows out of my temple.  I am losing the ability to be polite all of the time.   It went the way of my gluten tolerance.

I am a loving person…but I like people to stay a very comfortable boundary away from me.   Or to come close for short bursts and then I need to recharge.  It isn’t them…they are amazing.  It could be farking Oprah or Mother Theresa or Drew Barrymore.  It wouldn’t matter it would be the same deal. Deep and meaningfuls and then fark off please.   And if you can’t do deep, meaningfuls, and creative thinking rifts please don’t bother me.

Is that complete assholeness???…Yes and no.  It is my truth.  I have experiments to make.  Art to make.  It is my flow.  My sacral water of life and if that shit dries up, I become an art hangry asshole and that is my truth.

I kept trying to reject that asshole…but the truth is she is me too.  She needs to paint.  And then she isn’t an asshole she can manifest  the lifegiving aspect of the Babayaga.  But make her hungry and she is like a starving bear.  Part of the challenge too was the poor timing of setting up my art station in my room a day before my sister arrived.  It was like giving said starving bear a deer and then snatching it away just out of reach behind a fence.   This is why my morning mental wrestling match about sent me loopy.

So here is what I am going to do. I am going to paint a picture of my sister and my niece while they are here.   Downstairs in the living room.  So that I can be present be loving them in my way…honouring me, my inner crone creative, and them.   This I hope will help my inner crone to calm down and my southern hostess to recharge.   Will be fun to see how that plays out at least.

So this is the Sacral Chakra…hmmmmm.  The land of blocks, emotions, addictions, sensuality, sexuality, passions, and pleasure… So much to learn and unpack.